A river of fear

You know, for months I’ve been numb,mute,hibernating.I shut everything off and crawled into my safe zone. It was tiny and dark,but safe.I had to contort my body in different ways to fit in, but it was safe.Day & night morphed into each other in this darkness where sun was not, but that’s alright because I was safe.It itched and I couldn’t scratch,but I was safe.

But being in a safe zone is like living on canned beans; alright for surviving on but spending the rest of your days in such fashion? Soon my body started aching from being warped and the darkness seared into my retina made me hallucinate,seeing sinister creatures dancing in front of me. It was safe, yes, but I wanted to see another sunset. I wanted to risk danger to see dusk ushering in night and bidding day farewell.

I was looking for an end, I was looking for a way out. In reality, I was just looking for another safe zone to slip into. I wanted to close my eyes,drift into a dreamless sleep and wake up on the other side of discomfort.

Dreamless sleep.Have you ever had one of those?You can’t ‘have’ a dreamless sleep, it’s not a state; it’s the lack thereof. A dreamless sleep is simply the absence of a dream. Just like night is simply the absence of daylight.

It hit me. This darkness,this self-imposed prison,this pain – it wasn’t a state, it was the lack of one. It was anarchy. The void of dreams and ambitions quickly filled with dirt and weeds. And that realization, that I had the power to make and break myself was the most uncomfortable feeling that left a bitter taste in my mouth. It was the grey area between the comfort zone and achieving. It was a crocodile infested river that I needed to cross;the crocodiles being shadows of my fears. In the belly of the beast I’d find inscribed;

In fear I shall find courage

In pain I shall find relief

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