You, scapegoat

For years I’ve been pursuing a faceless,nameless Mr. Right who could remove my pain,wipe my tears,protect me. Year after year, I looked for him in different men and places. I vested energy,spent countless hours thinking,devising strategies to hunt him down. As my darkness mounted and loomed above me, so did my eager to find him. Not before too long did it become a desperate escape.

For years I’ve been pursuing something that I only can find by stopping for a while. Like a shadow, it will come once I go down the correct path, focusing on finding what I lost inside. Like a shadow, I can’t catch it by chasing it.

It was painful to hear the voice in me telling me this truth. Telling me that happiness and strength can’t be found in someone else, but that Mr. Right is somewhere down my path. He is down there but the catch is I can’t find him, only he can find me.

It was painful but I started realizing. I don’t need that Mister. Not anymore. But if he is waiting somewhere along that path, that means he is looking for me, right? So he needs me.

He needs me = He has to earn me.Convince me.Prove himself.

I could have used my hardships as excuse to bury myself under them. I could wallow in my sorrow, feel sorry for myself, use that as an excuse to give up. But I didn’t. I stood up despite the pain, searched for answers despite my heartbreak. I forced to think positively when every neuron in my brain seemed to fire against me. I repaired my lost hopes and causes despite my weakness. Yes, I used him as a scapegoat, a form of escapism to temporarily forget my woes but I made a pact that I would never lie to myself.

It hurt, but now that my eyes have adjusted to the bright sunlight, I can see the path clearly and I can see what I’ve been looking for in the horizon.

I worked my ass off, so I’m not going to put a cheap price tag on my work because it’s priceless.

See you when you see me. Maybe 😉

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