I’m searching everywhere for something familiar to call me out of this stiff alienation. But when you’re alienated you’re not familiar to anyone.
Hope isn’t in short supply nor can anyone exhaust it. Yet, people treat it like it’s fragile and depreciates with use. People act as if you can only use hope in case of emergency, when your own supply of motivation runs out. We’re impoverished consumers, ignorant opinionators, mindless scholars, because we’ve locked ourselves out from our hearts and we don’t know how to get back in. It doesn’t matter how much affluence someone enjoys, when one’s confined to the physical world and has access to this one dimension, it causes malnourishment because we’re multidimensional beings. We operate on several different realms simultaneously. Hope is simply the mind holding space for the unknown and what it can’t yet decipher through a 3D lens but very much exists. It links the mind to the adjacent possible without contaminating the new with the old.
I realized that Allaah tests me with hardship when I don’t have empathy with myself. The difficulties force me to recognize where I’m blaming and berating myself instead of holding space and having empathy for myself. It’s only through empathy that hope can take hold in the heart.
A child’s psyche is like how ants are to lines that encircle them in the sand ; they stay within the imposed boundaries and accept them as part of the universe.
My parents would always say they know me very well, and mum especially would respond to my complaints of being misunderstood or my disagreement of a judgement they made of me with saying “i gave birth to you and been with you from day one. I know you better than you ever could know yourself.”
And because they really didn’t understand me (because they didn’t connect to me) I assumed that I was inherently unintelligible to others, even God. I assumed that not even God could connect with me because I was so foreign and so distant from being relatable. And it became a subconscious belief that I built a lot on top of. Even though I didn’t hold it consciously in mind it’d inform the directions of the trajectories I’d take. It’d tell me about reality and cause so much dissonance that dissociation and depersonalization was the only way I could survive this existential paradox.
I always had a subconscious demonic programming that made surrendering to Allaah seem “too easy” and like it was a cop-out because “others don’t need to in order to function normally”. I never realized the anatomy of mind control until I started looking deep into pain. It was made to seem like transcending ego was the easy way out, the coward’s way out. I know accept that I don’t need to prove myself and it’s alright that I’m a coward and whatever else I’m threatened with. Because the things that make me love life and my heart sing aren’t worldly or concrete or pragmatic. They are intuition, visions, empathy, being able to connect the dots and see the bigger picture, having intuitive downloads and quantum leaps in learning, love, divine support.
And I realize that to surrender is actually the most difficult thing to do, not easiest thing to do. Because to surrender entails making a choice and sacrificing the options. It entails uncertainty and loss of control. It’s the demise of the ego, which is the only way shaytaan can influence a person so it’s understandable that its preservation is vested into.
My heart always needed Allaah because only Allaah can understand it. I can’t. Broke myself down and traumatized myself further because I forced myself to get whatever my heart was needing. Didn’t realize it was something spiritual, not material. Thought I was the biggest failure in the history of mankind because I couldn’t get the thing my soul was yearning for. I was beating myself up about not being Allaah. That sounds so stupid. But I didn’t know.