Trying to function in a dysfunctional reality will force you to acquire dysfunctional coping mechanisms. You can’t thrive in an environment that not only obstructs emotional continuity and mental cohesion, but actively fights it because the sharp contrast between you and those trying to cling to the dysfunctional system would trigger cognitive dissonance. You’d be a threat.
I wonder what it makes me when I’m transparent and honest 100% of the time, and yet when push comes to shove the other person just hides or disappears instead of sharing their honest to God truth about their circumstance. Am I a buffoon? Have I not shown – amply – that I care not for performance or expectations? Was my vulnerability in vain if it’s that easy for someone to prefer to ghost with no warning than to at least own what’s making them feel like they have to hide?
I’ve tried to withhold my feelings in cases such as these because I know it’s a long shot to have people stray from their automatic behaviour to think consciously and be mindful. But where does that leave me, when I constantly have to dumb myself down in this manner? Am I too not engaging in some sort of charade when I’m not honest about how this actually impacts me? Perhaps that’s what the pain is. I wish they would spare me the confrontation. I wish I didn’t have to take that final painful step out of the shadows to make my feelings known.
Our primary language is vulnerability, to show our primary reality which is emotions. This is the case until we have a decent enough a grasp about the realities outside ourselves through verbal language in which space can be distorted through ego to identify ourselves with illusions or a grandiose fantasy.
When our verbal communication is disconnected from our primal self, we interpolate the unconscious energy in our bodies into the external reality ( object relations theory). This either dehumanizes others (through superimposing distortions on their reality as in projections, manipulation, passive aggression, gaslighting etc) or dehumanizes self (through displacing the self at the behest of external demands or requests, as in introjection, internalizing, identification etc).
Abundance lies in the empty spaces that let you relax into them without fear of losing yourself. What worries me about the world is the oversaturation of everything that doesn’t let you pause to catch a breath. There’s no room for tripping, for slowing down. There’s no room for rest. There’s not the kind of trust that lets trees let go of their leaves and birds leave their nests for the winter. What’s the point in consuming summers if we don’t believe there’ll eventually be a spring? There will always be a spring. But who trusts in that long enough to rest?
I realize, society demands a deficiency in me. It demands the presence of a void, it encourages and whets the ego’s appetite so that it could feed it. When you’re not in need you’re made to feel like there’s obviously something wrong with you, that you’re missing out, that your life would be problem-free if you let society indulge you. That the presence of inner turmoil and conflict is a bad thing. That seeing things in a simple way is oversimplifying it. That you have to have every single bit of information and history to know the truth. That the truth is like a needle in a haystack.
So I started deforming myself. I assumed that the truth must be the opposite of what I felt and thought because I’m wrong and deficient by default.
I wish to communicate with my darkness. To bring it into the light without stripping it of its essence. To learn its language and learn to see myself without visible light. To return to the centre that mothered me.
I won’t be discounted from the spaces I’m engaged in. Where my deepest darkness is shunned I won’t let my most magnetic parts of me through.
You will not separate me from me ever again.