Existential axis

Islaam restricts the ego. That’s why it’s not as readily appealing as, to the Western mind especially, the Eastern philosophies that have been co-opted and appropriated by white culture. It’s more like vegetables than a dessert. It can’t be consumed by a materialistic mind.

The reason why despite the extreme resistance and hate of Islaam and Muslims, it’s the fastest growing religion is because it’s the only creed that is existentially grounding and lends a stability that no intellectualism can conjure. It’s not based in avoiding something nor is it designed for an outcome. It’s wholly in the now and it regulates the oscillations caused by being caught up in linear time and distracted by space. It’s a buffer against this 3D matrix, a shock absorber for the soul. Most of its wisdom is not realized or appreciated because we’re so disconnected from our emotions and spirit.


It just hit me… the deep desire I have to be seen for who I am (by the person/s I love) isn’t to have my mind understood, but to have my emotions seen, visible, and welcomed no matter how intense and capricious it may appear. A soft landing space in the receptive heart of another.

Deep sigh. Yup, that’s it.

Run like a river does

Men haven’t inherited the emotional damage and violence that’s etched into our very DNA, and it’s not something that can be encompassed by the limited scope of language and abstractions. No matter how much they try to understand and validate, it ultimately won’t reach to the core of the matter because we’re disconnected from the core of the matter, so our understanding is very shallow too.

Knowing the historical and political context of these wounds is helpful insofar as we’ve internalized it, and closure and clarity on the external circumstances can free up the mental space. But it won’t and can’t replace a genuine inner connection between our hearts and bodies. The memories and traumas are stored in the body and these are the emotional blockages that makes it impossible to access the heart where our unique creative powers as divine feminine lie.

Spending time and effort being on the warpath is not only ineffective but it’s a reenactment of the scenes that our trauma was born in. Going back in time to undo the damage is another way of saying, someone else did something to me that I have absolutely no ability to rectify. My release from this bondage in torture is to make this person or society undo the oppression.

The problem in this is, besides the impossibility of undoing something that has already happened, that we’re leaving our healing and emotional freedom at the mercy of a progress in the external. That’s very dangerous because it ties us to what we’re desperately trying to get away from!!

Healing not only removes the damage but it turns the scar into a portal of abundance and cosmic wisdom. It’s sorta like having your house demolished by enemies and then finding out that there’s a gold mine underneath the house that wasn’t visible before. The most valuable parts of you can never be touched or damaged or taken. Your soul is that gold mine.

Grand opening

When reaching for the light you have to walk through the darkness. To get to the eye of the storm you have to walk through the turbulence. To witness spring you have to wait through the winter.

Everything magnificent sprouts through discomfort. Don’t let it deter you.

Embracing fear

I survived by loving people. Love was my defense. When I couldn’t prevent others from hurting me I chose to step forward instead of fighting or turning away. I’d step forward into their charged emotional field. I’d let go of resistance to their violence against me. Instead I tried to understand the mechanism behind what drove them to do this, so perhaps I could help them stop, at the core.

It was instinctive, intuitive. It started very early, bullying and other stuff. I was thrust into the river and it was sink or swim. So i learnt to swim in between the bouts of near-drowning. Trying to understand the aggressor was my way of trying to find a way to survive because I knew that if I did anything to challenge the ego, it’d be like fuel to the fire. So I’d hold back from beating the shit out of people because I knew they’d feel embarrassed and like they had to prove something so the taunting and harassing would be endless.

I evolved to disarm people so that they wouldn’t inflict further damage on me. It’s heartbreaking, having to reflect back on this. But I’m really impressed by my relentless commitment to an open heart. In a way, I chose to believe the best about the world, that evil was just circumstantial and that everyone had the potential to be better. I had to in order to have hope and willingness to live. I HAD to see and reach for the good in the other person, appeal to their higher self, try to find an ally in their conscience. But I was never able to give myself that because I feared that if I turned around to look into ME and give ME the space I needed to heal, that others would get pissed and attack me. And I just. wanted. to. be. left. alone. I erased my footprints, made myself smaller, all to avoid attracting the evil in others.


I’d spend so much time feeling the subtle ripples of an incoming negative energy attack so that I could devise a defense before I’d be hit. I had to be extra sensitive because my only line of defense was to get ahead of the train that’d inevitably hit me. It just bought me time to anticipate the perspective and dissociate.

I just realized this a few minutes ago, and it was something I asked Allaah to clarify to me why it was so hard for me to just relax without having to be hypervigilant or expect the worst case scenarios. And it came when I realized that I had some thoughts knocking on my energy field and I was like nah, I ain’t letting them in. Usually I’d have to put myself in that space to foresee what was coming. I’d use my clairvoyance to protect myself. And when I said nah, there was this barrier that drowned the ‘noise’ of the knocking and it felt like a neighbour yelling through the wall. The fear of the consequence came that what if I get hit unprepared? And I said I’ll take my chances. That’s when Allaah extrapolated that inner convo to my question of why I couldn’t relax. And yo, the feeling of emotional residue melting off as it clicks and unblocks is unmatched.

This is how I get nearly all if not all of the information and insight I share. Through feeling through my experiences, working through them, asking Allaah to teach me and give me that holistic perspective that I can’t possibly conjure, and make space for that light to come through. I receive my faith and conviction through real life miracles like this. I consider it a miracle because if I didn’t have that connection to Allaah and the emotional sensitivity, there’s no way that I’d find any information. There is no information on what I’m experiencing because if there was there would be no need for me to go through the deep and extensive journey I did. It for me to unlock the light in the dark and bring it out to people.

And I just keep asking Allaah to not let anyone else go through what I did. I have no other desire or intention but to make the path to the light and truth easier for people. To alleviate the pain that I wish someone could help me do when I was in that position. Being alone, young, isolated, scared, confused, shamed.


Everyone who becomes conscious of even a fraction of his unconscious gets outside his own time and social stratum into a kind of solitude.

– C. G. Jung, Mysterium Coniunctionis: An Inquiry into the Separation and Synthesis of Psychic Opposites in Alchemy

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