terra incognita

I’ll stand firm awaiting your return
My life is art
A monument of my honesty
A manifestation of my trust

In the blank pages and vast spaces in between

It’s a silent protest
my life is,,-
A demonstration of the discarded pieces that didn’t fit into the frame of yesterday’s world
A reconciliation of paradoxes and contrasts

I’m a stream gushing through caverns amidst the shifting seasons
I’m letting Allaah show different facets of me like the phases of the moon

When you let go, you let in everything
What you need you possess
Rejecting parts of you is rejecting Allaah’s blessings
And when those parts come up to the surface, clamouring for life you run away
You run away from yourself
And into the clutches of what you covet
When your grip weakens, why you panicking, screaming bloody murder?

I’m not going to deny myself
I’m not going to attach myself to what isn’t of me
In honouring myself, I honour Allaah’s wisdom in creating me
And that’s why I know my deepest powers are rooted in my insecurities
My beauty entangled with my flaws
I’m not day or night, I’m all of time, all the time
My essence escapes my cognition

 

point of no surrender

​​I know you think that I shouldn’t still love you

Or tell you that

But if I didn’t say it, well I’d still have felt it

Where’s the sense in that?


I promise I’m not trying to make your life harder

Or return to where we were


I will go down with this ship

And I won’t put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I’m in love and always will be


– Dido, White flag

oak tree

He’s the duaas I didn’t dare make 

He’s the words that escape me

He’s the feelings that portray me

He’s all my feel-good memories melted together

He’s the taste of October

He’s what turquoise would sound like 

He gives my soul a home

core seed

“Sometimes I need

only to stand

wherever I am 

to be blessed.” 

— Mary Oliver (Evidence: Poems)

                                  °°°

And this I finally understood…the signs I was seeking on the outside were woven into the fabric of my feelings. The treasures I seek are buried in the character traits I embody. Oh Allaah make my mind a fertile land that receives the rain in abundance, allowing me to bloom in earnest. I’m tired of these imports. 

when we’re fire

I’m a discomfort absorber. Pain dashpot. Lemme redeem myself by not reminding you of the borders that announce my existence, just to remain in your presence because I’ve learnt that love is only safe and lasting in the shade. What do I do if the darkness is too cold and the light is too sharp? Oh how deep this emptiness goes. How wide the horizon is. It runs endlessly. An unrelenting reminder of how a shadow is doomed to always lag behind.

ramadan regressions {5}

Pain. I seek out what accentuates my inadequacies. I match people to the hues of my insecurities. I foolishly think my insecurities are an obstacle course I can race through.

Sadistic. I can’t tear myself away from those who echo back to me the loathing that runs the length of my soul.

Nihilistic. I’ve worked towards working away my fatal flaws for so long that I’ve forgotten what I was before it all began. I’m afraid to discover nothingness beneath it all.

You can choose to take a step back out of fear of the unknown, or step forth out of faith in the unknown. The past you’re replaying in your head will never happen again, unless you insist on recreating every blank moment in the image of your darkest fears.


                                 [***]


Between a fear and a desire, always remain loyal to your desire. A fear is no grateful, no no. You give up your life to satisfy it, but it won’t stop growing until you’re no more. It’ll whack you even if it promises it won’t if you keep on good terms with it. It’s a lying, pesky ting.

Never negotiate with fear. It only exists because you trust it more than you trust yourself. What a shame.


                                [***]


I want to make a majestic house out of my soul. A place of calmness. A place of stability and refuge for beautiful souls to find rest in.



                                [***]


I want to be a person who I’d love and look up to growing up. A person who I’d be eager to befriend. A person who vibes the truth, her truth, with a graceful abandon. A person whose aura has an incredibly intense otherworldly charge to it that brings, nay forces, the true self to the surface. A person whose beauty is rooted in how unassuming she is of her impact. A person who makes people at ease by embracing all human facets of her. A person whose greatest aim is to give people back their lost good, their forgotten truth. A spirit traveller, in this world but not of it. Someone focused on being more.



                                [***]


Your need for control is what causes chaos. You were created from chaos. Therefore, you’re order. You are intact. And the obstacles and unpleasantries you avoid – they are your path. You’re avoiding your path that would empower and enlighten you. Instead, you’re​ taking a detour into the belly of the beast – without your innate support. Emotions – pleasant or not- aren’t meant to satisfy you, but to guide you, and you shut them out because you thought they were out to destroy you.

Oh if only you realized what a self-destructive delusional creature you are. We all are. We man a giant plane and we think it’s flying because of the firm grip of our hands and the intensity of our focus? Really? Your soul is that plane, and it’s been engineered to optimum. All you need to do is be cognizant of the feedback coming through the panels and make apt assessments. You don’t have to think about what if it malfunctions or it decides to dip even though you did everything right. Relax. Most causes of plane crashes are due to errors caused by inattentiveness and overlooked mechanical failures.

Even in the event of a crash, that shouldn’t make you fall apart in self-blame. Assess what went wrong. Where did you miss the signals? Learn from your emotions. Stop ditching classes, and you won’t have to flounder so much.

                               [***]



We really think we can separate ourselves from the rest of the world? Try not to get wet when your city’s flooded.


                                [***]



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