Recreational trauma

How am I gonna make it

What if I don’t make it

Two questions that have been the bane of my existence. Pressure to perform. Expectations to meet goals.

Why I never could study in university. I don’t deal well with shackles to my curiosity. Punishment is never a motivator for me. Threats of lack and scarcity makes me quit right off the bat.

Stop. Stop. Stop.

I don’t know when I’ll be able to work consistently. I don’t know when I’ll be able to establish a daily routine. I don’t know when I’ll be out more. I don’t know when I’ll get married. Stop pestering me.

The voices in my head blaring. Like fire alarms. I don’t know what happens afterwards. I usually run and hide long before. But today I stop. I don’t care what happens anymore. My pace isn’t wrong just because it isn’t competitive or cutthroat.

Healing is what I had to do in order to just be myself. Crazy. Like paying off a debt so I can be freed from indentured servitude. So I can break the yoke of built-up ancestral trauma and conditioning on my neck. I just want a clean slate. A clean canvas. No templates, no dots to connect, no pages to fill, no quota to meet, no lines to fill in, no i’s to dot, no paragraphs to memorize, no sentences to correct. Nothing.

Just a chance to spill my soul on the canvas with no mind paid to the outcome. I’m the outcome. Let me retrace the process that led up to me.

Imperfection is a divine creation

Understanding my inadequacy and limitations without falling into self-flagellation or use that as justification to reject myself is the single most difficult task I’ve ever had to endure. I had to feel through my vulnerabilities to connect with them and seek divine grace from a connected place. I realized I couldn’t do that while detached or dissociated from these parts of me encased in toxic shame both from myself and society. I had to transmute the overlay to restore the innocence of my weaknesses.

It’s not a sin to be human. But it feels that way. It feels like being human is the fall from grace, as if being superhuman would have allowed us to remain in the garden. I realize this is an ancient demonic mind control narrative to make us reject our humanity and thus displace us from the only center we could receive divine guidance. It has Iblees written all over it and it scares me how intricate these lies get, the deeper you delve into the psyche.

Unio mentalis

The most decisive difference between transformation and any form of dysfunctional busy work (workaholism, escapism, etc) is acceptance. It’s the movement of the heart from a state of resignation (to the apparent implications of the circumstance) to an active state of surrender ( to the divine will that orchestrated the events.). The divine will is fundamentally beyond duality and aligning with it requires a letting go of taking a side (deciding what’s right and what should have happened). This transcendence is the transformative process that eventually allows one to see the divine wisdom writ large, that previously wasn’t observable.

In short, any discomforting situation carries the seeds of a magnificent spiritual transformation beyond what could have been reached in a stable and innocuous situation. Just as we were born fairly early in development and therefore helpless, in order to grow into the complexity that is the brain, so do we have to contend with the growth spurs of our spiritual body as it were. And the clash of the opposites is just the fertile ground for the spirit.

Your life has no private chauffeur

You can’t force people to care. You can’t make people see through your perspective because that requires empathy and empathy requires demoting the ego from the most important role. You can’t make people be able to receive you and support you in the way you really and truly need them to, even if they themselves have good intentions. Holding space for another complex human being takes more than good intentions and comforting words. It has nothing to do with will and everything to do with divine will.

I guess what I’m tryna say is, disappointments don’t always need to be because we’re bad or others are bad. Things can be perfectly fine and you still don’t belong and it’s ok. It’s better for everyone involved if you’re completely honest with yourself about what is aligned with you and what can support all of you. Yeah, it may require the breakdown of what you’ve known and traditions that have helped others. But that only means that you get to experience the creation of a unique path specifically designed for you. To hold space for yourself while trusting that Allaah will guide you through this terrain, no matter how conflicting it seems, sets the pace for your life. It means that you know how it feels to be accepted unconditionally and you won’t accept anything less than that from anyone. Because you have that inner structure to fall back on every time.

I don’t want to appeal to anyone

I realize I’m the antithesis of inspirational. I understand why many don’t vibe or connect with me. Took me a while to figure out why. Now I don’t go out of my way to disperse the fog or convince people that there is a world outside Plato’s cave. I don’t want to be a shock to the system, a cold chill, a jump scare. I can only be grounded in my reality and be aligned with it fully even if that entails being a recluse. I’m not isolated, I’m just back at the place where everyone has escaped for pies in the skies. I’m in the place I started out in existence: the mundane. And when I don’t try to make it what it’s not, I can see the sky peppered with stars and the streets they form. I can observe and absorb the hidden beauty. That’s what the divine is. Hidden beauty. Inconspicuous yet so naturally obvious. Like something that you had no idea you needed.

Dust ball

Scrolling through timelines aimlessly. Alternating between apps and websites endlessly. Drifting around like in a car in an empty parking lot at night, circulating the same block until it’s safe to feel again. Dissociating is like hiding under the bed from the monster that is sleeping in your bed. It should be the other way around but I’m always the one punished for the terror that drifts through me aimlessly like a heavy fog that closes in unannounced.

Bestiarius

People who rush to cancel people and shame people into canceling controversial figures without allowing space for processing what exactly is happening are the worst, fake-deep, manipulative people who lack boundaries and respect for others. Period. The public sphere is a shared space. It’s not where you establish the rules and dictate what happens. Even if it’s downright shitty, it’s not anyone’s right to try to stop the train because although we share train (space) we operate in our own individual timelines that unfold in unique ways that bear meaning. So to jump the gun with projections and letting the bullets of your own unprocessed agitation fly is transgressing. You have power over your own timeline to choose what to align with and what to divert from but that doesn’t mean you get to create a moralistic hegemony where you actively seek to punish those who don’t pick your side.

Mind you I’m not talking about people who justify evil or who defend evildoers. I’m not talking about people who use deception and are deluded. I’m talking about people who are still undecided or unaware or confused. The only time I’ll ever check anyone is when they try to warp or influence the perspective and perception of others as if others are an extension of their ego. I take that shit super seriously because I know the repercussions. I’ve lived and suffered through people who don’t allow you emotional freedom, who make you feel unsafe if you can’t convince them, who extrapolate false interpretations from your actions to somehow confirm a suspicion they harbour. It’s not ok to intrude on people. It’s not ok to choose to stay and make the person feel how you feel about them instead of just removing yourself from their circle.

Keep your judgements to yourself. Keep your half-baked theories to yourself that burn any nuance at the stake. Just shush. Justice has never ever ever ever ever prevailed by goading others into confessing their shortcomings to you. Let people save face and allow them grace. That is much more likely to make them feel safe enough to sacrifice their attachments and whatever else their ego may have identified with. Just a thought for 2019.

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