I want to exist beyond thoughts. I want to construct a life based on feelings, feeling into everything. Feeling into the pain, to understand. Feeling into the good, to be intimate. Feeling into the spaces in between, to remember Allaah.

Today I learnt that my feelings don’t need fixing. My brokenness isn’t in regards to the feelings that are naturally extracted by the circumstances I find myself in, but rather the ways in which I fight the feelings that don’t fit the mental images I constructed to gain control. They spill outside the frame, dissolving it. In ways, the brokenness is a return to the zero point field I was created in. It’s a return to the divine order instilled deep in my spirit that nothing can undo. Nothing.

What’s truly broken is my connection to these primordial truths that have been lost and forgotten. But Allaah never loses nor forgets, so hope is eternal in that sense. I’ll pick up where I left off.

The devil is in the details

I realized that I’ve always gotten the short end of the stick in my general interactions and relationships with people because I put them to the task of dividing the stick, thinking they would do me justice. I let them dictate who I was by what I did, thinking they would be fair and just. I really did. I was taught this, that people were objective witnesses of me and if I didn’t get the desired validation it’s because I wasn’t worthy of it.

It’s not easy to find your way out of social conditioning, to find the crack in the simulation to realize it’s not really you and that the system isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. In fairness, we’re extremely rudimentary and limited as humans. We know more about the external world than the internal ; the psyche. So we’re bound to project everything outwards and have that be the be all, end all. Of course, there will be those who manipulate this blindspot to their favour.

Man down.

The whole Tina Knowles and Richard Lawson debacle where people were saying she emasculated him and you shouldn’t disrespect your man, makes me so uncomfortable.

A man should be and feel respected, supported and appreciated. However this shouldn’t come at the expense of self-censorship or monitoring oneself to not trigger any uncomfortable reactions in him. A woman isn’t the custodian of a man’s feelings.

A woman isn’t the custodian of a man’s feelings

Halllooowww? Can you hear me? A man who feels emasculated by a woman’s self-expression is immature and entitled af! Are people seriously suggesting that a woman bow down to his ego? Yo, this is so whack especially because I hate men like that. They disgust me. For real. I would never ever ever marry a man who is that fragile and who I have to coddle and hold myself back just in case. Let him talk!!

Men need to learn to communicate instead of relying on women picking up on their cues and emotional needs

And women are the maintainers of the status quo precisely through this dynamic of keeping a man comfortable where he is. Men need to learn to own their emotions, to own their space, to express their truths, to cut off toxic women who leech on them, to enforce boundaries, to self-regulate, to give up the external glory for inner stability and transcendental meaning. To find an outlet for masculinity through contributing, not collecting.

Men need tough love, not more coddling. They’ve been coddled far too long and their initial reaction to women taking a step back is being resentful and joining movements like MGTOW (men go their own way). It’s quite literally like a child throwing a tantrum, threatening the parents with plans of running away from home.

Sweet love

Your strength is gauged not by how much you can repress your true feelings (as opposed to visceral reactions triggered when threatened) but by how impervious your emotional body (heart) is to your mental body (mind)

That is, strength is measured by how ineffective mind control, manipulation, and the sway of the mind is on one.


To put it another way : it’s the ability to tolerate inner conflict and the dissolution of coping mechanisms of the ego.

I believe this is the premise of Dąbrowski’s theory of Positive Disintegration.

Beyond coping

Don’t use your mind to confirm or reassure yourself of what your heart already knows. You’re essentially undoing your connection to your heart and sowing seeds of distrust in yourself.

Whenever you doubt the veracity of an inner knowing, that’s an external thought trying to wedge between you and your heart under the guise of critical thinking. Quip back : if this isn’t the truth, then show me what is instead of making me invert what I do know.

Guidance doesn’t chip away at previous knowledge. It builds on top of what you know. It’s very different when you backtrack on what you know out of a vague doubt that it “might” not be true. Be very aware of that demonic deception that is aimed at distracting you through making you chase your tail.

و من آياته…

I legit just realized.. love isn’t a person. It’s something you share with a person. Love is tawfeeq. The divine stimulus of a transphenomenal/noumenon connection, as opposed to a means to an end as stimulated by the basic instincts of the ego or the conceptualization of the mind.

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